My friend, Lauren, sent this out. Hilarious (if you're a rider...particularly if you're an eventer). The concept of using fancy tack to distract from my "awkwardness" is so familiar. Eddie would love it if I embraced the mantra "don't jump up the neck/don't jump up the neck/don't jump up the neck." To all my fellow eventers....Enjoy!
I've been really good this year. I've been doing all the things my trainer tells me to do, even if I do feel like a pretzel sometimes. I read the 2009 USEA Rulebook, or at least the good parts (those diagrams in the Appendix are works of art!). I tell my horse I love him every day, even though I really don't love him when he dumps me in the water, or drops a shoulder at monsters in the bushes, or bolts like a giraffe as soon as we enter at A. I've been practicing really hard driving the truck and trailer, and I only got stuck twice and haven't even jack-knifed this season! I know I'm on the Nice list this year, because if I was on the Naughty list I would have killed the cat for peeing on my white fullseats. The vet said he will live for sure, though perhaps with a slight limp.
I know the economic times are tough this year, and the EPA is all over you for your reindeer's methane expulsion, but I just thought I'd mail you this letter in case you could send a couple things my way. I didn't know your email, or twitter, and I couldn't find your facebook page to stalk you, so I hope this old-fashioned postal method still works.
A Charles Owen GR8 Helmet. Everybody who's anybody is wearing them nowadays, and they just scream "I'M WINNING ROLEX." I hear they fit well, too, but I hope it doesn't mess up my hair. I do need a new helmet this year, since my old one isn't quite round anymore, after that incident with the wild turkeys. Who knew they could fly? My horse sure didn't. Maybe I should add saddle-tite to this list, just in case
New Studs. I know I asked for these last year, and I thank you for them. But, you see, I lost more of them again this summer. They're always disappearing, you know, like socks. Never a matching pair to be found.
A Mattes Sheepskin Pad. My horse says his back would feel sooo much better and he'd never buck me off again if he could wear a yummy, fuzzy, soft dead sheep under his saddle. And it looks cool.
A New Stock Tie. Unfortunately, I was unable to get the bloodstain out of my old one, and it's a bit unsightly. I tried Oxyclean and everything, it just doesn't work anymore without Billy Mays. Note to self: don't jump up the neck, don't jump up the neck, don't jump up the neck...perhaps I should have this phrase embroidered on the new tie?
A 5-point Breastplate. My perfectly custom-made, expensive French saddle just doesn't quite look "finished" enough with a hunting breastplate. This new-fangled strap design will allow my horse complete freedom of his limbs, hopefully compensating for my awkwardness. And it would be nice to securely anchor my seat to the horse's chest, in case we end up lost in the Himalayas. Can't be too prepared. It's all about safety, you know.
Thanks again Santa, I hope these things aren't too much to ask. Please enjoy your milk and apple slices--I left ten pieces, so you can also share with the deer. I had made some tasty chocolate chip cookies, but the dog got on the table and cleaned your plate. He's on the naughty list....don't leave him anything.