Sunday, October 14, 2012

Equestrian "Fashion"

It's that time of year when the mainstream masses decide to adjust their seasonal wardrobe and begin introducing fall elements into their ensemble rotation. Cooler temps and autumn tree-colors always inspire the non-horsey set to gaze longingly at the rider folks down the road who they see traipsing around the barn in gauzy dresses, bikinis, blankets wrapped and belted, and high heels so high that the wearer is more over-at-the-knee than her old retired equitation hunter. Wait, what? That's not what you wear to muck stalls, clean tack, and drag the arena? Yeh, me neither. 

I've been known to pipe up in the past in regards to the ridiculous nature of the haute couture approach to equestrian fashion. While killing time on Pinterest the other day, I decided, on a whim, to see what was out there for fall, equestrian style. I happened upon these little gems and could not believe my eyes. As someone who shares my disdain for 90% of what is popularly known as "equestrian fashion," I dedicate this post to Leslie Wiley. Proceed with caution....

I would really like to know just what this young lady
plans to do with a tennis racket, lacrosse stick, and golf
clubs while hacking out.

What is happening here? I have been known to take
a last minute potty break in the corner of Eddie's stall,
but I usually disrobe -- to some extent -- first. Plus,
spurs and Mary Jane heels do not mix.

Oh, that poor pony. Human lasso? I guess that's one
way to catch a horse.

Ladies, this is a "don't." Do not ever attempt to trail
ride while wearing nothing more than boots and lingerie. I
am terrified to even begin to imagine the amount of chafing that
will be going on there. 

There is a time and place for a stylish and well-fitted
shadbelly. That "time" and "place" would not, however,
involve satin shorts, red sheer tights, and suede
thigh-high boots. 

Starting with the head, this might be an equestrian fashion
"do." Yes, let's do retire the old velvet hunt caps to
recreational wear that doesn't involve actually being
on the back of a horse. But, once the eye travels
down past the shoulders, there is just too, too
much wrong, here.  I like the grey tights, though.
That's it.

Stock tie? More like stock "noose." You catch that on a
low branch while riding first-flight and you're a goner.

How many eventers do you see accessorize to quite
this extent while riding cross-country? Yeh, me neither. Plus,
if you do actually manage to place (and not get eliminated for
riding with an unsecured helmet strap), the ribbon goes on your
horse, not on your belt. 

That coat looks like a wooly blanket that is belted with something borrowed
from Captain Hook's wardrobe. Or Santa Claus's. Never ride a horse swathed
like this, unless you're after a "cushion effect" to soften the blow when you
inevitably dismount unexpectedly. Then, maybe this would work.
But fashion, it is not. 

Finally, an equestrian fashion "do"! You want to dress in equestrian style
and emulate the late, great Jackie O? Then buy a safe horse, take some lessons,
acquire the proper attire, and enter a horse show. All other pretenders
can go home and try again another day.


Leslie Wylie said...

Hahaha... LIKE!!

Anonymous said...

you should write some fake "Jumping Clinic w George Morris" comments on those pics.
xoxo amanda

Holly Ratcliff said...

Good idea, Amanda!